Satanic Santa letters (really good)
Dear Santa, I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good
boy all yeer.
YeR FReND, BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a plumber. How 'bout I
send you a **** book so you can learn to read and write?
I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!
-Santa
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Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace
and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
-Santa
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Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck.
Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!
Love,
Joey
Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house.
You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.
-Santa
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Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my
mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy,
What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the
babysitter? He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son!
Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
-Santa
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Dear Santa,
I need more Pokemon cards please!
All my friends have more Pokemon cards than me.
Please see what you can do.
Love, Michelle
Dear Michelle,
It blows my **** mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy
hundreds of dollars worth of these stupid cards, and none of you
snot-nosed brats are even learning to play the game.
Let me get you something more your speed, like "Chutes and Ladders."
-Santa
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Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for
your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love, Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the ****s and carrots make the deer fart in my face.
You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Jack Daniels and a pack
of Marlboro.
-Santa
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Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?
Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most
of my time squeezing ****tail waitresses asses, and losing all my cash at the
craps table.
Hey, YOU wanted to know!
-Santa
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Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake,
like in the song?
Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you that gullible? Just to teach your dumb ass a lesson, I'm
skipping your house...
-Santa
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Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please, please please PLEASE,
PLEASE could I have one?
-Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging **** may work with your folks, but that crap don't
work up here. You're not getting jack ****.
-Santa
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Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky
Mark,
Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting your
ass whipped at school.
Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent apartment
complex you're living in.
Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through
your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams!
-Santa