Jokes

[Fragalot]

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
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Two. The hard part is getting them in the lightbulb.

Two muffins are sitting in an oven and one looks over to the other and says "Man, it's hot in here." Then the other muffin looks over and says "Ah! A talking muffin!"

Two blonds are sitting on their front porch one night and one says "Which do you think is further: the moon or Florida?" Then the other blond says "Duh, can you see Florida?"

There was a magical frog in this magical forest. The frog always drank from the same lake everyday. Today, he decided to do something different. He went over to another lake on the other side of the forest. On his way he saw a bear chasing a rabbit. He had never seen any other animals in the forest before so he went over to them and said "Hey, since you are the first two animals I've seen in this forest I will grant you each 3 wishes."

The bear did not hesitate and went first. "I wish all the bears in this forest except for me were female." The frog granted his wish and then turned to the rabbit.

The rabbit then said "I wish I had a helmet." The bear was slightly confused, as that seemed to be a wasted wish.

Then the bear said "I wish all the bears in the next forest were female."

The wish was granted and then the rabbit said "I wish I had a motorcycle." A motorcylce appeared and the rabbit got on it. The bear told the rabbit that he should not waste his wishes, seeing as he only has one left.

Then the bear says "I wish all the bears in the world except for me were female."

The wish was granted and then the rabbit roars his engine, looks over to the bear and smiles, "I wish the bear was gay."

A plane full of passengers was waiting for the pilots to arrive so they could take off. A few minutes later two men go into the ****pit, one wearing large shades and patting his way down the aise with a cain, the other man going through with a guide dog. Everyone is very nervous seeing as these men appear to be blind.

The plane starts moving and gets faster. The plane doesn't leave the ground and the people get even more worried after a while. They are getting closer to the end of the runway and are headed straight for a lake.

The plane gets even closer and still is not lifting off. Some of the passengers begin to scream. Then, the plane lifts off the ground smoothly and they are all fine.

In the ****pit, the pilot says to his co-pilot, "Y'know Bob, one day they are gonna scream to late and we're all gonna die."

A bus full of ugly people is driving down the road one day. The bus looses control and crashes. Everyone on the bus dies(it's not over yet).

In Heaven, God explains to everyone that it wasn't their time to go and he appologizes for the inconvenience. To further appologize, he lines them fup and says he will grant them one wish before they go back to earth.

The first person says "I want to be beautiful." The wish is granted and they are sent back to earth. The second person comes up and wishes for the same thing. In the back of the line, a faint laugh can be heard. The wish is granted and the person is sent back to earth.

As the line gets smaller, each person wishes for the same thing. The second to last person comes up and says "I wish to be handsome." Their wish is granted and they are sent back to earth. Then the last guy is crying becuase he is laughing soo hard by now. Then he says "Make them all ugly again."

A bear was taking a crap in the woods. Nearby a rabbit was doing the same.

The bear asked the rabbit, "Say, do you have any problem with crap sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit replied, "Why no, I don't believe I've ever had a problem with crap sticking to my fur."

So the bear grabbed the rabbit and wiped his butt with him.

Three men were using the urinals in a public restroom. When the first finished, he proceeded to the sinks and thoroughly washed his hands with lots of hot water and soap. As he finished up he said out loud to no one in particular, "I'm glad that while getting my medical degree from Harvard I learned the importance of proper sanitation and cleansing," and then he left the restroom with an obvious air of superiority.

The second man then finished and headed to the sinks. He carefully used just barely enough water and soap and a single paper towel to perform his hand cleaning. As he left the restroom he stated in a haughty tone, "I'm glad that while getting my Environmental Law degree from Yale I learned the importance of conserving our valuable resources."

Then the third man finished, zipped up, and headed straight for the door - bypassing the sinks - saying to himself, "I'm glad I got my MS in fluid dynamics from MIT and learned how to avoid getting piss on my hands."

Bill Clinton, George Bush, a spectacular looking blonde woman and an enormously large woman with an unfriendly scowl are in a train car. The train passes through a tunnel, and in the darkness the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. As the train pulls out of the tunnel, the daylight reveals a big red slap mark on Clinton's cheek.

The blonde thinks: "That rascal Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who must have slapped his face"

The fat lady thinks: "That dirty old Bill Clinton touched the blonde and she smacked him."

Bill Clinton thinks: "George put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me."

George Bush thinks: "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again."

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman. The Texan says "Yup" and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

Three blonds come accross some tracks. Then one of them says "These are deer tracks."

Another blond says "No, no. These are elk tracks. I've read about them before."

The last blond then says "Actually, they are deer tracks. My dad has shown these to me before."

Then they all get hit by a train.

[Sean]

lol some of those were good

[Fragalot]

It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch....".

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"C r a p" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

lol

[Kate]

Lol some of those were funny :P

[Fragalot]

wups, seems like i've forgotten to post more...

well, i'll do that when i get home

[Xthar]

A bus full of ugly people is driving down the road one day. The bus looses control and crashes. Everyone on the bus dies(it's not over yet).

In Heaven, God explains to everyone that it wasn't their time to go and he appologizes for the inconvenience. To further appologize, he lines them fup and says he will grant them one wish before they go back to earth.

The first person says "I want to be beautiful." The wish is granted and they are sent back to earth. The second person comes up and wishes for the same thing. In the back of the line, a faint laugh can be heard. The wish is granted and the person is sent back to earth.

As the line gets smaller, each person wishes for the same thing. The second to last person comes up and says "I wish to be handsome." Their wish is granted and they are sent back to earth. Then the last guy is crying becuase he is laughing soo hard by now. Then he says "Make them all ugly again."

HAHAHAHAHAHA BEST ONE HERE

[Watcher]

The Devil made him do it hehe