Jokes - Know any good ones ?

[ladymilli]

A store that sells husbands has just opened in Ottawa where a woman may
go to choose a husband from among many men.
The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive
attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch.
As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor,
but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the
building.
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to
herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder
what's further up?" So up she goes.



The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to
herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes
again.



The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good
looking. "Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"



The fourth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking
and help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting.
BUT, there must be more, further up!" And again she heads up another
flight.



The fifth floor sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking,
help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy
me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?



So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men
on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at Husband Mart and have a
nice day.

[ladymilli]

APC magz Sept 2004

Top Five ways Microsoft CIO Ron Markezich can shave US $100million off internal tech costs at Redmond:

1. Tone down developer events. '80s dance tracks not royalty free.
2. Buy bulk consignment of chino slacks/polo shirts
3. Uninstall MS Office and go to www.openoffice.org
4. Fire the entire Internet Explorer programming team and licence Firefox.
5. Fix those security bugs. Hang on, already tried that.

[wasahobo]

ok i got one, heard this one last night

"Whats better than winning the Special Olympics??"


Not being retarded



haha i love that one

[Sean]

lmao very good

[hybrid(]

i actually laughed at that one lol <very funny>

heres one:
What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirtbag.

[dwdc]

lmfao hobo, so very true

[ladymilli]

Here is one I read somewhere last week. I can't remember exactly the wording but here goes.

God says to Adam " I have given you two special things"
Adam: "what are they"
God: "I have given you a brain and a penis"
Adam: "Wow ! that's great God, thnx"
God " But there is a catch, you can only use one at a time"

[queen_of_the_dead]

lol good one milli

[queen_of_the_dead]

Here is my female and male prayer:


FEMALE PRAYER:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks.
When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.

I pray that he is gainfully employed.
When I spend his cash he won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.
Amen.

MALE PRAYER:

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a boat.
Amen

[queen_of_the_dead]

Brain Cramps

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey
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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"--Winston Bennett, University of ****ucky basketball forward.
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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in
the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
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"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
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"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas.
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"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President (DUH)
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"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle
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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"--Lee Iacocca
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"The word 'genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst.
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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
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"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President
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"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Al Gore, VP (damn he's smart)
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"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they
go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the
next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman