Jokes - Know any good ones ?

[ladymilli]

Did ya get any good jokes via email today that just crack up you or if you know of any, share them so we can laugh our arses off too.



I don't have one atm .. doh !

[Sean]

will be posting future emails here

havent got any atm.

[ladymilli]

Here we go. These just totally wasted me and my friend with laughter this arvo.

Be prepared for some male bashing and be sure to read them out to your gf's or mums or both.

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he is in diapers
2. What do you do if your bf walks out on you ? - You shut the door
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let you man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Defninition of a bachelor - a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 yrears. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.
14. Remembera sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

[ladymilli]

1. A tomcat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night. The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred "I'd die for you!" The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked: "How many times?"

2. A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods! A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!

[Sean]

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books

thats my fav lol

[ladymilli]

Over the years the only thing I ever got via email were jokes and now.. I'm lucky if I get one a month. Anyways here is one from my US buddy Larry ..

Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is
the
best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

_____________________

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter
eggs.
_____________________
I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement,
new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't
hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications
that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with
dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet
anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But.....
Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!
______________________
An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make
her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First,
she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over
Bloomingdales.
"Bloomingdales?" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

[ladymilli]

Me n hubby this morning were having a chat about his friend who's having a party today and we are invited. We were talking about body shape and he says I have the same as his female friend. I said 'what shape am I?' he replied ' a lovely lady shape'.

I cracked up .. I said this is one for the books. He didn't put is foot in his mouth, he cruised by with flying colours. He said it's in the 'male handbook on what to say when wifey says 'do I look fat' . lol

[Sean]

Originally Posted by ladymilli

Me n hubby this morning were having a chat about his friend who's having a party today and we are invited. We were talking about body shape and he says I have the same as his female friend. I said 'what shape am I?' he replied ' a lovely lady shape'.

I cracked up .. I said this is one for the books. He didn't put is foot in his mouth, he cruised by with flying colours. He said it's in the 'male handbook on what to say when wifey says 'do I look fat' . lol

lol, so what shape do u think u r?

since this thread has started, i have received no decent joke emails

[ladymilli]

lol griff, .. just right with a little bit of excess to be rid of.

Here goes for todays funnies but be prepared, it's more male bashing :P

1. Behind every successful woman is herself
2. A woman is like a tea bag, you don't know ho strong she is until you put her in hot water.
3. You never hear a man ask for advice on how to combine a marriage, career and family.
4. Coffee, chocolate, men. Some things are just better rich
5. I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun
6. Warning : I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
7. Of course I don't look busy, I did it right the first time.
8. Do not start with me, you will NOT win.
9. All stressed out and noone to choke.
10. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

[Sean]

all i can say bs :P